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 The Awful Jokes Thread

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henrypi
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ClarionGlass
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PostSubject: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeFri Oct 10, 2014 12:49 pm

A place for truly dreadful jokes and puns. Y'know, the ones that are so bad that the fun is telling them and watching people groan, rather than in the joke itself.
E.g.:

How is toilet paper like the USS Enterprise?
Spoiler:
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeFri Oct 10, 2014 6:39 pm

Why did the golfer wear his old trousers?

Spoiler:
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IncredibleHulk
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSun Oct 12, 2014 10:43 am

A lion, a hawk and a skunk are arguing over who is the greatest animal.
The lion claims that he is, because of his teeth and claws.
The hawk claims that he is, because of his beak and talons.
The skunk claims that he is, because of his powerful stink.
Suddenly, a dinosaur appears and eats them all; hawk, lion, and stinker.
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSun Oct 12, 2014 10:24 pm

*Drives past graveyard*
"That's the dead centre of town. Everyone is dying to get in"
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Oct 13, 2014 5:11 pm

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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ClarionGlass
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSat Oct 18, 2014 5:25 pm

A couple of bad music ones:

Why did Bach have so many children?
Spoiler:

Beethoven: ARE YOU READY TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES?!
Audience: *cheers*
Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!
((c) tumblr)

And the famous tumblr band post:
[You must be registered and logged in to see this link.]
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HelgaHufflepuff
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSat Oct 18, 2014 11:21 pm

(I know I've told a lot of you this one already, but...)

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Spoiler:

And another one just because:

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Oct 20, 2014 11:14 pm

What if Zelda was a girl?
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSun Oct 26, 2014 11:23 pm

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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IncredibleHulk
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Oct 27, 2014 2:14 pm

What do you call a snobbish scam artist walking down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeTue Oct 28, 2014 11:21 am

"What's best for a hangover?"
Drinking heavily the night before
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeTue Oct 28, 2014 8:27 pm

This one is kinda rude:
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSun Nov 02, 2014 11:02 pm

I don't get this joke at all...but its a dad joke, therefore has to be bad Razz

Two gay guys are looking out at the ocean. The first gay guy asks "What's that big boat out in the distance?"
"That's a ferry boat," the other gay guy says.
The first gay guy looks surprised and smiles and says, "I knew we were popular but I didn't know we had our own navy!"
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IncredibleHulk
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeThu Nov 06, 2014 12:51 pm

... I don't get it. Razz

"I sold my vaccum cleaner the other day, because all it was doing was collecting dust."
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeThu Nov 06, 2014 1:15 pm

henrypi wrote:
I don't get this joke at all...but its a dad joke, therefore has to be bad Razz

Two gay guys are looking out at the ocean. The first gay guy asks "What's that big boat out in the distance?"
"That's a ferry boat," the other gay guy says.
The first gay guy looks surprised and smiles and says, "I knew we were popular but I didn't know we had our own navy!"

*holds up hand enthusiastically*
I got it! I got it!
Say 'ferry' out loud.
Now say it in a kind of Welsh accent, so that the 'e' sound changes into a sort of 'ai' sound.

Now you should get the joke.

Spoiler:
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeThu Nov 06, 2014 1:16 pm

Well...that's definitely a dad joke then.
And an awful one at that Razz
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IncredibleHulk
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeThu Nov 06, 2014 8:38 pm

A man is desperate to win the lottery. So one night he prays to God and asks to win the next day's lottery.
He doesn't.
So the next night, he prays again and asks to win the next day's lottery.
He doesn't.
So on the third night, he prays again and asks to win the next day's lottery.
Suddenly, God speaks to him, and says "Meet me half way on this and buy a ticket!"
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeThu Nov 13, 2014 8:46 pm

How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Nov 17, 2014 2:50 pm

Why did Polly put the kettle on?

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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSat Nov 22, 2014 12:06 am

How many impulsive liars does it take to screw in a lightbulb.


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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Dec 08, 2014 12:48 am

For Hulk:

I drew my gun. The guy in front of me drew his gun. Then I drew my other gun, and soon we were surrounded by some lovely drawings of guns.


A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Dec 08, 2014 2:48 pm

Why did Mozart sell all of his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they said "Bach Bach Bach!"
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henrypi
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeWed Dec 10, 2014 12:51 am

If you've got a haunted house and don't keep up the mortgage payments, do you get re-possessed?
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeMon Dec 29, 2014 5:51 pm

Person 1: It's Nerf or nothing!
Person 2: I've had e-Nerf of Nerf.
(enough, e-nerf)
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HelgaHufflepuff
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PostSubject: Re: The Awful Jokes Thread   The Awful Jokes Thread I_icon_minitimeSun Feb 08, 2015 11:27 pm

I found this one on Reddit (I'm on there far too much), and decided to put it on here since I got a few laughs out of it. Razz

---
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and sh*t right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
---
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